sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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