that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
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..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
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Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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