Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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