I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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