Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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