Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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