The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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