I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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