You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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