im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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