I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
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Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
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I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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