It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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