I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I checked into jail on foursquare
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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