I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize