Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
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Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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