Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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