What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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