I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it's like iHOP with fire
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You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
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I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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