Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
even my farts smell like vagina
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
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I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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