That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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