my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
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He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
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I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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