I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize