I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
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I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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