Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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