He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
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I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
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There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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