I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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