nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
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She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
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His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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