Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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