he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
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Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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