i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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