I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
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Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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