Umm I'm too high to move.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
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His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
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It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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