phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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