I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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