Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
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Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
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Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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