You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
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His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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