i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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