Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
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Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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