At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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