I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
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What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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