I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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