I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize