I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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