Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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