I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
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I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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