i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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