She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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