I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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