I hope mine doesn't look like that
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
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I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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