I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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